Filed under: family first, fear and loathing, perfectly impossible, sporty spice | Tags: childhood, generation gap, past, self esteem, soccer, teenagers, writing
i journal a lot now. (and by a lot, i mean way more than i blog.) nearly every entry references how much “i just love to write, but i never do it!” or how “awesome it feels to just free write!”
i don’t want to do that now.
let’s talk about the future of innovation.
(just kidding. no one wants to read about that.)
let’s talk about teenage girls.
(not so much with the kidding, although that came across super creepy.)
i have a beautiful, smart and talented 14-year-old niece. (I also have beautiful, smart and talented 12- and 9-year-old nieces, but their stories are for another time.) she, since the day she was born, has been a little emotional. she cries at the drop of a hat, and she cares about everyone’s feelings a little more than she should. she also is only truly happy and confident in herself when she’s running up and down the soccer field, cheering and kicking butt alongside her teammates.
she tried out for her high school freshman soccer team today… and she did not make the cut.
about 13-some-odd years ago, i knew another little emotional girl who went through the exact same rejection period. and she was a wreck for weeks, and her self-esteem dropped for years. today, she’s fine. she’s accepted that minor setback and moved so far on from it that no one would guess that scar was still faintly intact on her ego.
teenage me is alive and well, buried under this calm, cool and very cynical exterior of mine. she comes out to play when we’re alone in my car and alanis morrisette comes on the radio. she stares cruelly and critically every morning in the mirror. and she particularly seeps into my writing after a beer or two and tells me i should be upset about the past. but honestly, i just don’t care what teenage me has to say anymore. i’ve grown past those insecurities, and i genuinely believe that i’m better off because of my failures.
but how do i tell today’s little girl that it will all work out in the end? how do i put into simple terms, with current pop cultural references, that she won’t always be the best at what she thinks she should be the best? and that she will learn to be happy and confident in ways she doesn’t even realize yet? and that, although screaming girl-power anthems can be a fun way to pass the time in your car, she will not always hate the people who try to hold her back?
i guess the moral of the story is, the only way we can truly understand today’s youth is by remembering our own painful and not-so-pretty pasts.
my creativity is on hiatus. case in point: i was a ZOMBIE for halloween. ugh. I disgust myself.
to be fair, I was really a zombie school girl, and I told everyone I was “britney’s career.” i also originally planned to go as miss piggy, but then wore the costume early, drank too many jello shots and lost my pig nose.
help me get my brain juices flowing again. how can i be creative without having to really do anything? i don’t have time for arts and crafts and shiz, yo.
p.s. for those keeping track at home, i am NOT running the half marathon in two weeks. it’s a long story, but it mostly boils down to shin splints and knee problems and it being really, really cold outside in november.
Filed under: sporty spice | Tags: half marathon training, peanut butter m&ms are the devil, running races at slow paces, seattle girl
so, i’ve decided to become an aspiring runner. maybe it’s because of all the running slash health blogs i read. maybe it’s because it’s pretty in my new kicks. maybe it’s because it allows me to pound out some anxiety, sadness and frustration in a productive way. maybe it’s because i enjoy eating 3.5 pounds of peanut butter m&m’s in four days and i want a way to expend some of those calories. (yeah. that happened. it was disgustingly delicious. please don’t try it at home.)
whatever the reason, i’ve somehow signed on for four races in the next year. i also ran an 8K in may. i don’t even know myself anymore.
next weekend’s is another 8K and there’s a beer garden at the finish line. i also get to dress up like a pirate.
the next one is a few months out, and teams of 4 compete in a 5K obstacle course. there’s also beer at the finish line.
the next one, however, is the seattle half marathon, thanksgiving weekend, and i’m pretty sure there’s no free beer. what the hell am i thinking? have you BEEN to the seattle area in november? it’s awful. god awful. it’s flooded and cold and just awful. i’m thrilled.
the next one — another half — isn’t until may 2011, so there’s plenty of time to back out.
Filed under: a few of my favorite things, sporty spice | Tags: home sweet home, run run run, seattle
Filed under: a few of my favorite things, bestest friends, party star, sporty spice | Tags: i'm too old for this, party star, snOMG, summer, time waster, travel
ok. just seeing if you’re paying attention. it’s actually february. (you’re welcome.) and yes, i realize this is the second post in a month where i started off talking about the date. but seriously — where the heck is time going?!
in my head, though, it’s already june. i’ve already outlined a list of events that are going to get me to summer. sure, most of them are tentative, but they’re reminding me that the random five-feet-tall snow piles lining the d.c. streets will NOT be here forever. thank god.
so what’s coming up?
lots of housewarming/going-away parties.
an 8K race (which i should sign up for…).
a third annual kickass st. patty’s day party.
a 27th annual kickass b-day extravaganza (27?! bloody hell.).
a trip to vegas (no — not that one. sad face.)
road trips to and from north carolina —
and maybe up to new york.
many, many trips to the gym! (you had to have seen that one coming.)
that might not seem like a lot, but PEOPLE! it’s practically june already. 100 days till bikini/bbq/beer-drinking season. are you ready?
Filed under: celebrity worship, perfectly impossible, sporty spice | Tags: balancing isn't my forte, conan o'brien, eat better, gym rat, i'm having an affair with italy, money sucks, perfectionist
it’s pretty much february. that blows my mind. how has the first month of twenty-ten disappeared already?!
i’m making progress on bettering myself and making this MY year. it’s funny though — while i’m making improvements in certain areas of my life, i’m falling HARD off the wagon in others. balance, i’ve always lacked it.
i don’t want to jinx myself by listing the things i’ve done well in the past few weeks, so instead, i’ll do what i do best — berate myself for not being perfect:
perfect: never gonna happen. get over yourself, flippy.
gym: i miss you. it’s not you, it’s me. i’m lazy/busy. that might seem counterintuitive, but i assure you, it’s not. it’s just my life.
dentist: get one. immediately. book an appointment shortly after.
conan: stop crying about the whole nbc debacle (it’s been three weeks, after all) and start following coco’s words of wisdom. i’m becoming far too cynical and knowing he would be disappointed in me is kind of a tragedy.
writing: write more. write every day. write online. write in a journal. just write.
money: we’re getting there. slowly but surely, we’re getting there. eventually, we’ll be there.
Filed under: bestest friends, family first, fear and loathing, journalicious, party star, perfectly impossible, sporty spice, the cat's meow, work and play | Tags: ch-ch-changes, flippy through the years
i wasn’t going to post a 2009 wrap-up (because i’m an original, yo), but then i read phampants post from yesterday, and i figured i’d give it a whirl.
so here she is, flippy 2000-2009*:
2000: a junior in high school, and a bit of a disaster. i smashed my first car into a million pieces, got grounded for the first and only time (circumstances? not important — but it started with adult beverages and culminated with a list that my father forced me to write detailing everything bad i’d ever done. EVER.), hated my brother a little less, loved an impossible and unavailable boy a little more and visited a therapist who made me feel like a spoiled little princess who shouldn’t have felt as awful as she did.
2001: graduated high school and moved on to college. originally intended to move to california for school, but chickened out last minute and stayed in state. regretted the decision almost immediately. thank god for a kickass roommate and a bestie from home. i went from an outgoing honor student to a shy, uncomfortable freshman who napped all the time. (god, i miss napping all the time.)
2002: i met who i thought was the “love of my life” — and proceeded to cut everyone else out of it. five months later, he dumped me. then came crawling back. i took him back and began the cycle again. moved off campus with kickass roomie and bestie from home. worst experience ever. alienated both of them and rarely went home. got my groove back with school, but only because i took a bunch of classes with the boyfriend. (i was clearly a winner.)
2003: continued an abusive pattern of clinging to my boyfriend even as he was breaking my heart. moved into an apartment with kickass roomie even though i was still an asshole. got a job at the mall and slowly started making friends who lived in a world outside of my boyfriend’s. discovered the journalism program. hated it and many of the people in it. created an amazing idea as to how to get my BA in journalism with the least amount of effort possible.
2004: promptly crushed my amazing cheat-the-journa-system idea by joining the school paper’s editorial staff. loved the soul-crushing thrill of spending 50 hours a week in a dirty, cramped newsroom. stayed in a rapidly deteriorating relationship with a boy who continued to prove he wasn’t good enough for me. may or may not have fallen in love with someone else. realized something had to give and finally broke off the longest relationship of my life. the someone else moved away and the love that could’ve been never was. hated commitment and turned my back on it forever. turned 21 and drowned sorrows in too many vodka tonics. took too many classes and pushed myself to the limit in an effort to be my own person.
2005: interned with a local nonprofit. finished college a quarter early. hopped a flight to europe and discovered the not-so-cheap thrill of living out of a backpack and speaking broken italian. quit my mall job and tried to stay abroad as long as possible. ran out of money after a month. begged mall job to take me back. let journa-friend convince me to apply for better job. received an offer for promotion at mall job and position at better job on the same day. went with better job, became a grown-up and began a crazy night-shift schedule that would continue for much longer than anticipated.
2006: continued living in college town. college friends moved on. rain, gloom and night surrounded my world and tempted me back into the arms of depression. considered options. decided to move to san diego on a whim. better job offered me a promotion and relocation package. moving somewhere new with a job appealed to me more than moving somewhere new without one. visited the d.c. area to make the final decision.
2007: made final decision. accepted promotion and moved 3,000 miles away. went through strange growing pains within new position, which ultimately led to a better position within the same company. pined and missed certain people more than i expected. adopted a cat. fell in love with the cat. became crazy cat lady. kept my distance from making new friends and invited old friends to visit whenever possible.
2008: moved into a new home with new people and began feeling comfortable for the first time. went out A LOT and discovered, “wow, i’m not 21 anymore.” went out anyway. continued to miss certain people and made several trips home. filled the void of missing by joining a gym. began running again. liked it. kept doing it. cat needed surgery. did not like that.
2009: a rough year. dealt with several issues that i left off this blog for a reason — hence my mid-year blogging hiatus. as the year comes to a close, i can’t think of any significant events to differentiate it from years past. at least, not yet. i’ve learned many things about myself through these hardships, though, and i’ve learned that i need to start looking out for myself first. and most of all, i’m realizing that my love of certain people, friends and family is more important than status or money. i just want to be happy.
*this post is so emo. my apologies.