Flipflops in the Rain

wanted: extremely patient assistant to fix my phone and tell me when to eat
January 5, 2010, 4:35 pm
Filed under: fear and loathing, geek chic | Tags: , , , ,

i’m pretty sure i should hire a personal assistant.

granted, i don’t have any money, and i can get really bitchy and/or whiny when i haven’t slept. but basically, i really need someone to take on the full-time job of making sure i act like a grown-up.

example: i don’t eat when i should. and when i do eat, i make poor choices. for instance, i’m sitting here, shaking because i’m so hungry, but instead of doing the responsible thing and making a sandwich, i’m blogging about it. (if you’re in the neighborhood, turkey on rye with a wee bit of mayo. thanks.)

another example: i don’t do errands. one of the main reasons i’m not eating (besides pure laziness) is because i need to go grocery shopping. i’ve needed to for about three weeks. i went before christmas, but only so i could buy six bottles of wine and a case of cheese dip.

the grocery shopping isn’t my biggest concern right now. that’s why they invented “pizza delivery” and “fast food.” no, my biggest concern is that my blackberry committed suicide this weekend and i needed to order a new one and i now have to fedex the original blackberry back to my phone company. WHAT?! how do i even begin to fedex something? don’t i already have enough to worry about with the whole phone-breaking-and-i-can’t-update-my-twitter-every-15-seconds thing and trying to figure out how to activate the replacement phone? and can someone please tell me how to back-up all my contacts when i don’t have access to the network? this is all far too complicated. i’ve managed to download five different programs and i’m nowhere closer to transferring my contacts from one phone to another.

(if you knew that i worked in a tech center, your brain would probably explode at my sheer incompetence with this phone debacle.)

so, yeah. if you’re looking for a new job that doesn’t pay well (or at all), requires a high tolerance for dealing with bitchy, sleep-deprived idiots and starts within the next 10 days (because that’s how long i have to fedex this stupid thing), call me! no, wait. e-mail me. god damn phone.


I remember when I lost my last phone and had to replace it. I relished the first couple of days of e-cation. By the third day, I was using tweezers to pull out hairs one at a time because I figured that it would distract me from the other torture I was enduring. It didn’t work.

Comment by restaurant refugee

Make Maxie do it. She’s sitting there on gchat talking to me anyway. You can tell her I said that.

Comment by Ben

You had me at six bottle of wine and cheese dip. What more do you need? Besides a working crackberry.

Any friend of Maxie’s is a friend of mine!

Comment by Elizabeth Marie

It’s really too bad I’m not in DC. I’d be a GREAT assistant and am all about the eating.

Comment by nicoleantoinette


Am I fired as your assistant? I like my other job better anyway.

Comment by Maxie

Dude. Dude. I was going to say, “Duh you need a personal assistant now that your Blackberry’s broken — we all know that smartphones are the personal assistants of the middle-class masses,” then I realized that even functioning at their best, Blackberries cannot actually FedEx packages for us and now I’m IRATE. Damnit, smartphones. Be smarter so we don’t have to be.

Comment by That Kind of Girl

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